Forgiveness

Happy Friday Friends!

I hope & trust this post finds you having a great day as a beautiful new day begins to dawn!

Earlier this week I spoke with someone I love and care about greatly about forgiveness. This person has been trapped in unforgiveness for quite a long time and, as one would expect, it has had a profound impact on their life. This morning I want to share a whole bunch of things about forgiving, about forgiveness. At the same time I recognize I am just a dude, not an expert. I simply have a heart that cares and I want to help those of us who might be trapped in the bondage of unforgiveness be set free and live their life to the fullest. If this post accomplishes nothing more than encouraging you to seek help in forgiving, in forgiveness then it will have accomplished its intended purpose.

I want to start by sharing a short testimony. As a boy, the life I had with my Dad was not the one I desired. I was reminded quite often of my shortcomings and failures, mistakes could be found in successes and there never seemed to be time to play catch, go fishing, etc. As I transitioned into adolescence, great bitterness & pain took hold. As a young adult I went through a period of a estrangement from my Dad - we went through a period of more than 5 years without so much as speaking a word to one another.

Way before I ever realized it, God was doing a great work on my heart. While my Dad did not provide encouraging words, help me overcome failures or spend time with me, there were always men there - my Grandpa, coaches - who filled those voids. Then one day, God really got a hold of my heart. It was a euphoric moment for me as I realized that my Dad had done the very best he could do. While he was not the Dad I had hoped he would be or that I aspired to be, he was the best Dad he knew how to be or could be. In that moment love & forgiveness coursed through every fiber of my body. He had not changed however I had, forever. Because I chose to forgive within my heart, I was free to love him for who he was. My Dad never noticeably changed however everything about my life with him did change. As I type these words there is great gratitude in my heart for the man I am today was directly shaped by the man my Dad was. We enjoyed the last several years of my Dads life together in a way that I never thought would be possible. While it was not easy by any stretch of the imagination, it all began with the intentional decision to forgive.

I also want to share several excerpts from the article Forgiveness and Restoration by Rose Sweet. You can find it at focusonthefamily.com.

• Forgiveness is not letting the offender off the hook. We can and should still hold others accountable for their actions or lack of actions.
• Forgiveness is returning to God the right to take care of justice. By refusing to transfer the right to exact punishment or revenge, we are telling God we don't trust him to take care of matters.
• Forgiveness is not letting the offense occur again and again. We don't have to tolerate, nor should we keep ourselves open to, lack of respect or any form of abuse.
• Forgiveness does not mean we have to revert to being the victim. Forgiving is not saying, "What you did was okay, so go ahead and walk all over me." Nor is it playing the martyr, enjoying the performance of forgiving people because it perpetuates our victim role.
• Forgiveness is not the same as reconciling. We can forgive someone even if we never can get along with him again.
• Forgiveness is a process, not an event. It might take some time to work through our emotional problems before we can truly forgive. As soon as we can, we should decide to forgive...
• We have to forgive every time. If we find ourselves constantly forgiving, though, we might need to take a look at the dance we are doing with the other person that sets us up to be continually hurt, attacked or abused.
• Forgetting does not mean denying reality or ignoring repeated offenses. Some people are obnoxious, mean-spirited, apathetic, or unreliable. They never will change. We need to change the way we respond to them and quit expecting them to be different.
• Forgiveness is not based on others' actions but on our attitude. People will continue to hurt us through life. We either can look outward at them or stay stuck and angry, or we can begin to keep our minds on our loving relationship with God, knowing and trusting in what is good.
• If they don't repent, we still have to forgive. Even if they never ask, we need to forgive. We should memorize and repeat over and over: Forgiveness is about our attitude, not their action.
• We don't always have to tell them we have forgiven them. Self-righteously announcing our gracious forgiveness to someone who has not asked to be forgiven may be a manipulation to make them feel guilty. It also is a form of pride.
• Withholding forgiveness is a refusal to let go of perceived power. We can feel powerful when the offender is in need of forgiveness and only we can give it. We may fear going back to being powerless if we forgive.
• Forgiveness starts with a mental decision. The emotional part of forgiveness is finally being able to let go of the resentment. Emotional healing may or may not follow quickly after we forgive.

I also found some things that I wanted to share from an article titled, Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness written by the Mayo Clinic Staff - see what happens when I go on a business trip and have time alone at the hotel! :) You can find the article at mayoclinic.org.

What are the benefits of forgiving someone?

Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for happiness, health and peace. Forgiveness can lead to:

• Healthier relationships
• Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
• Less anxiety, stress and hostility
• Lower blood pressure
• Fewer symptoms of depression
• Stronger immune system
• Improved heart health 
• Higher self-esteem

What are the effects of holding a grudge?

If you're unforgiving, you might:

• Bring anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience
• Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present
• Become depressed and anxious
• Feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you're at odds with your spiritual beliefs
• Lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others

How do I reach a state of forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a commitment to a process of change. To begin, you might:

• Consider the value of forgiveness and its importance in your life at a given time
• Reflect on the facts of the situation, how you've reacted, and how this combination has affected your life, health and well-being
• Actively choose to forgive the person who's offended you, when you're ready
• Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life

I personally think it is wise to go to the Bible with the different issues/challenges we have in life. With this, let's take a look at a few scriptures and what they have to say about forgiveness.

"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." - Colossians 3:13

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." - Ephesians 4: 31 - 32

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" - 2 Corinthians 5: 17

As y'all know I love quotes. Here are a few for you to consider:

"Keep in mind, hurting people often hurt other people as a result of their own pain. If somebody is rude and inconsiderate, you can almost be certain that they have some unresolved issues inside. They have some major problems, anger, resentment, or some heartache they are trying to cope with or overcome. The last thing they need is for you to make matters worse by responding angrily." - Joel Osteen

"Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too." - Will Smith

"Forgiveness is the economy of the heart...forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits." - Hannah More

"Forgiveness is not an occassional act, it is a constant attitude." - Martin Luther Kind Jr.

Friends, whoever and wherever you are, if you have unforgiveness in your heart, I pray that today will be the day you will find your path to forgiveness. It really isn't about the person or people who have hurt you, it is about your precious, beautiful spirit and you living the life God created you to live.

Please don't hesitate to contact me if there is ever anything I can do for you or your family. I will always help you any way I can. You can reach me at kevin@whatwillyourinfluencebe.com.

Have a great day, a wonderful weekend and please cherish your precious families.

Kev