Right Dad...?

Happy Friday Friends:

I hope and trust this post finds you all having a great day and a great week coming to a close for you. By the way, we all understand that whether our day and week is a great one is not dependant upon the circumstances we have encountered but rather how we have chosen to respond to those circumstances, right?

Before I get to what is heavy on my heart this morning I want to address a couple of things on the front end. First, this post is going to be directed more at father's though I am highly confident it will speak to the heart of mother's as well. Second, I want to make it explicitly clear that this post is not aimed at minimizing or rendering insignificant the role of a Mom, the incredibly heroic, selfless efforts of countless Mom's or the like. This post is aimed at challenging Dad's to rise up, to truly be Dad's, to be men and to be aware of the influence they have in the lives of their children - whether they choose to make that positive or negative.

When my oldest son was very young I began to observe that whenever he made a statement it was almost always followed by, "right Dad?" When my other two sons were old enough to talk and make statements they started doing the same thing. I have spoken to numerous Dad's about this and without fail they confirm that their sons and daughters do the same thing. I think it is also worthy to note that my oldest son, who is now 15-years old, still does it. It is interesting. It is never "right Mom?" (though I guarantee you my wife is way smarter than I am...no comments please!), it is always "right Dad?"

I would like to share just a few findings of research. All of this information comes from the "Father Involvement Research Alliance" in their study titled, "The Effects of Father Involvement: An Updated Research Summary of Evidence". You can read the entire report at http://www.fira.ca/cms/documents/29/Effects_of_Father_Involvement.pdf.

• Children of involved fathers are more likely to enjoy school, have positive attitudes toward school, participate in extracurricular activities and graduate. They are also less likely to fail a grade, have poor attendance, be suspended or expelled or have behavior problems at school.
• Father involvement is positively correlated with children's overall life satisfaction, less depression, less expressions of negative emotionality such as fear and guilt, less conduct problems, less psychological distress, greater sense of social competence, higher levels of self-reported happiness and fewer anxiety problems.
• Children who have involved fathers are more likely to grow up to be tolerant and understanding, be well socialized and successful adults, have supportive social networks consisting of long-term close friendships and adjust well to college both personally and socially.
• Children who felt close to their involved fathers are more likely to have long term, successful marriages, be satisfied with their romantic partners in midlife, have successful intimate relationships and they are less likely to divorce.

Wow! And I promise you, this is not even a fraction of what all is included in the research. There is so much more.

I love the fact that the phrase "involved father" is used. So often we think or speak of the physically absent father however we give a free pass to the "physically present, mentally absent father." Involved is the key. And how exactly is "involved father" defined for this research? "A father is defined as an involved father if his relationship with his child can be described as being sensitive, warm, close, friendly, supportive, intimate, nurturing, affectionate, encouraging, comforting and accepting." The report goes on to state, "this includes frequency of contact, amount of time spent together (doing things such as shared meals, shared leisure time, or time spent reading together), and the perceived accessibility and availability of the father."

So Dad, how would your relationship with your child be described today? Are you sensitive? Are you warm? Are you close to your child? Are you friendly? Are supportive - of them, their goals, their dreams...not yours? Are you intimate with your child? Are you nurturing - their problems, worries, concerns and fears are every bit as important to them as ours - as Dad's - are to us? Are you affectionate? Are you encouraging? Are you comforting? Are you accepting of your sons or daughters uniqueness, talents, abilities, hopes, dreams?

AND please don't miss the 3 keys: frequency of contact, amount of time spent together (sorry to kill the idea of quality over quantity!) and perceived accessibility and availability of you Dad. Please also note what is important in time spent together - sharing a meal, shared leisure time (that could kill video games and golf!) and time spent reading.

Why do our kids say "right Dad?" Because they are looking for the affirmation of their father. Our society is suffering mightily right now because we have a whole bunch of boys and girls growing up desperately seeking the affirmation of their Dad. Boys need their Dad to teach them how a man acts, behaves. In the absence of this they try to prove they are men by doing things that society tells them a man does - he gets in fights, he drinks alcohol, he has sex with as many girls as possible...all the actions of little boys who are unable to control themselves, respect others, etc. All because he wants to be affirmed as a man. And girls? They too want and desperately need the love and affection of their Dad. They need Dad to let them know how a real man treats women, that they are uniquely created for a special purpose that only they can fulfill, that they are beautiful exactly as how they are, that they don't have to prove anything to anyone...the list goes on and on. In the absence of this love, girls look for some man, any man, to love them. It is really clear why we have the problems and challenges that we do as a society.

So Dad, no matter what has happened up to this point, what will your influence be in the life of your son and/or daughter from this point forward? The research is clear; your involvement matters tremendously (the word is not strong enough...I am not sure there is a word strong enough to capture the significance). Your children need you, desperately so! What are you going to do?

Please don't hesitate to contact me if there is ever anything I can do for any of you or your families.

Have a great day, a wonderful weekend and enjoy your family and friends...they are what really matters.

Kev