Experience...the Great Teacher

Happy Friday Friends!

I hope and trust this post finds you all having a great day and a wonderful, effectively busy (love that phrase!) week coming to a close for you!

It is 4 years ago, Maricopa Little League Championship game. Bottom of the 6th inning (the last inning in Little League), bases loaded, down by 1 run, 3 balls and 2 strikes and my then 8-year old is up to bat. There are lots and lots of people at the game - Moms, Dads, Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, Brothers, Sisters, friends. Everyone is cheering. A hit and our team wins the championship...an out and our team loses the championship. This is big stuff. My son fouls off one or two pitches, can't remember exactly how many (is it true the memory is the first thing to go?!?!). He is taking deep breaths, feeling the weight of his 8-year old world on his shoulders. And then, he doesn't swing at the next pitch. For a brief second everything falls silent. Then the umpire bellows, "Strike!" In an instant my kid goes from being the kid everyone wishes their kid was - so long as he gets the game winning hit - to being the kid that nobody wants their kid to be - experiencing a failing moment.

Fast forward two years. It is the Arizona finals of Pitch, Hit & Run. The finals are held at Chase Field, the home of the Arizona Diamondbacks. My now 10-year old steps up to home plate to hit. He looks very calm...his Dad is having a heart attack! He looks impossibly small in this great big Major League stadium and yet, he looks like he belongs. As hummingbirds (butterfly's do not adequately describe the feeling!) wage a war in his Dad's stomach, he calmly, confidently steps up to the plate and hits a line drive to short center field.

This past week my 15-year old and I were driving down the road talking about experience, the importance of learning lessons, the great lessons learned in these moments, how in experiencing things - failing as well as successful moments - we really learn and grow, etc. We reflected on and talked about this time in his brothers life. Are the two events related? I have no doubt! It is ironic; the very moment many will try to avoid in an attempt to avoid the failing moment are the very moments that prepare and enable our future successes. Please note also that in avoiding the moment for fear of a failing moment we also forfeit the opportunity to experience success. It is impossible to get a hit if you are not up to bat...literally and metaphorically.

There are a couple of critical points I would like to offer to you for your consideration on this beautiful morning:
1. A failing moment does not make you, me or anyone else a failure. Please really think about that statement. The moment was failing; the person is not a failure. Did you just take off riding the first time you got on a bike? Could you read before you could read(huh?!?! Think about it, it makes sense)? I could go on and on however there is really no need...you get what I am saying. The truth is none of us were as good at anything we do now the very first time we did it. There were failing moments, mistakes, flubs, etc. This is the way we learn, grow and become the best we are capable of becoming. A failing moment does not make you, or anyone else, a failure Friend.
2. Many - way to many - for fear that a failing moment will make them a failure will attempt things only once or twice, if at all, and in the process become only a small fraction of what they were created to become. This is so terribly sad. I wonder how many potentially great men and women in society we have never known because they let the fear of a failing moment, of experience, prevent them from striving to truly become all that they were created to become. Using the defense mechanism of inaction to protect their misguided, inaccurate perception of experience in an attempt to live a happy life they have actually forfeited truly coming alive at all.

I would like to make a recommendation and share a couple of quotes with you:

• "Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes into Stepping Stones for Success" by John C. Maxwell is my all-time favorite book. It addresses this topic beautifully. Please consider reading it and truly applying the principles of this great book to your life.
• "There is nothing more useless than the person who says at the end of the day, "Well, I made it through the day without screwing up." - Tom Peters
• "Experience fails to teach where there is no desire to learn." - George Bernard Shaw

Please strive to become all that you were created to become Friend. Please realize and accept the truth that a failing moment does not make you a failure. Your life, everyone's life, has value, meaning and purpose. You are perfectly equipped to become all that you were created to become. There will certainly be moments of failure along the way. Embrace them, recognizing that they are but tiny stepping stones to becoming the great you that you were uniquely created to be!

By the way, last Sunday my 15-year old was participating in a football combine 7 on 7 tournament. He had quarterbacked his team to the championship game. His thrown together team was playing a traveling team, a team that has played together for a couple of years. The game was close, the outcome hanging in the balance. He dropped back and threw a perfect pass...right to the Middle Linebacker! An interception...a failing moment. The beautiful, most important thing? After the game he recognized the moment as a mistake, as a failure, however he did not view himself as a failure. He was excited to get back to work, to get better on Monday...after some sleep! I can't wait to see what happens next!

Please let me know if there is ever anything I can do for any of you. I am truly willing to help you and/or your families any way I can.

Have a great day, a wonderful weekend and please cherish your precious families.

Kev

Confrontation

Happy Friday Friends!

I hope and trust this post finds you all having a great day and a great week coming to a close for you! What an incredibly blessed week it has been for the Haslam family! It started last Friday night with a dinner with a very special family, it continued over the weekend in getting to spend quality time with many, many great friends we had not seen in some time and yesterday my Mom celebrated her _0 (your welcome Mom!) birthday! A blessed week indeed!

Earlier this week I had the radio on as I was doing my morning reading. One of the hosts, sounds like a very sweet woman, was talking about her child care person not showing up for work...again...causing her and her husband to miss/be late for work. She and her co-hosts were talking about what she was going to do. She was saying she wanted to confront the woman, talk to her and her co-hosts were encouraging her to not even talk to her, just fire her. They then began this conversation about confrontation - should she/shouldn't she, everyone hates confrontation, etc.

Later that day I was speaking with a person who I am honored and privileged to mentor. This person, in discussing the challenges at work, stated that the supervisor knew what was going on in the work environment however the supervisor refused to confront the issues. The supervisor doesn't like confrontation so the entire work environment suffers.

Getting hit with the idea, the thought of confrontation twice in a short period of time got me thinking a lot about confrontation. What is confrontation? What is it about confrontation that makes us so uncomfortable? How much pain, hurt, dysfunction, ineffectiveness would be relieved if challenges, issues, problems would be confronted? Think about it - gossip is born in not wanting to confront (talking about someone behind their back instead of talking to them); physical fights come from not knowing how to appropriately address (confront) an issue; hundreds of millions, possibly billions, of dollars are lost because people aren't willing to confront issues within a workplace. Instead of addressing the issues, resolving them and moving forward, everyone continues to work around them, trying to act like they do not exist and then we conveniently term it "the culture of the organization." Interesting stuff if you really think about it...

So what is confrontation? Dictionary.com defines confrontation as:
 

confrontation

1. an act of confronting.

2. the state of being confronted.

3. a meeting of persons face to face.

4. an open conflict of opposing ideas, forces, etc.

5. a bringing together of ideas, themes, etc., for comparison.

There is nothing inherently bad in the definition. The act of confronting or being confronted? Talking about the problem, issue or challenge sounds like a good idea! Meeting of persons face to face? Oh my goodness, if we would only meet face to face and not hide behind emails, texts or worse, not even talk to the person who is actually involved, who could actually help resolve the problem, issue or challenge. An open conflict? You mean actually admit there is a problem? Actually talk directly to the people involved? My goodness! Bringing together of ideas? The horror!

Yes, I am making light of the definition of what I realize is a very real, often painful, problem. But why? My point is by definition, confrontation is not a bad thing but rather a very good, sorely needed thing. I think we could all - o.k., most of us - agree that if we lived out the definition of confrontation this world would be a much better place. So what is the problem? I think the problem comes in how we have seen this modeled - or not - in our lives and subsequently, the way we then choose to live this out ourselves - or not.

I want to give you two thoughts/ideas as I encourage all of us to confront problems, issues and challenges:
1. Be pure-hearted. What is the agenda? Is it to get our way or is it to fix the problem, issue or challenge? Are we confronting the person or are we confronting the problem, issue or challenge? Please realize that the person is not the enemy - the problem, issue or challenge is the enemy. It strikes me as ironic how, in attacking each other - making each other out to be the enemy - we are actually protecting the problem, the issue, the challenge. Are we willing to learn and grow? Do we have a teachable spirit?

2. What is the goal? Do we really want to fix the problem, issue or challenge or do we just want to get our way? Sounds crazy doesn't it...that we would possibly really want to live with a problem, issue or challenge. If you look at it though, that is really what many people choose. If I have a problem with someone and I go talk to someone else about that person - the problem, issue, challenge I am having with them - I am not confronting the problem, issue or challenge. Now, a person could seek the advice of another and that is the initial purpose in talking to someone else however, if I go back to that person a second time and don't address the problem, issue or challenge with the person that I have it with, I am gossiping...plain and simple. What is the goal?

While I don't have the time to discuss it, there is an interesting component to confrontation that exists within ourselves. Yes, we refuse to confront issues within our own hearts and spirits and then live with the conflict that exists within our own hearts, minds and spirits. Sad, interesting...I will let your own heart speak to you about that one.

In closing I want to share two quotes with you:

"In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present." - Tao Te Ching

"Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude." - William James

I have to give a quick "shout out" to the Taylor family. Thank you for your incredible, warm hospitality but mostly for your friendship. It is an honor and privilege to do life with you and you bless our lives so richly!

Please let me know if there is ever anything I can do for any of you.

Have a great day, a wonderful weekend and please cherish your precious families.

Kev

What Are You Looking For?

Happy Friday Friends!

I hope and trust this post finds you all having a great day!

So, I stayed up later last night than I wanted, didn't wake up as early as I wanted today and I have been losing a fight with my computer this morning! Ever have a day start like that?!?! Not going to let these circumstances determine my day...I am determining that this is going to be a great day! There is so much hope, opportunity and potential out there...even if I hate my computer! :)

This week I had a friend talk about what a person sees or doesn't see in their lives. It really has had me thinking about what we look for in our day to day lives. I am not talking strictly about the vision we have with our eyes but the vision we have with our hearts, our souls, our spirits as well.

You know, it is really not hard to see the bad in others. We are all flawed, broken people. We are all doing the very best we can with what we have wherever we are on this day, however we are limited by our individual experiences, knowledge, wisdom, courage, etc. The less we understand this, the more certain we are that we aren't flawed, we aren't broken and that we have all the answers the more readily apparent our flaws, our brokenness and how clueless we are becomes to others. Think about it Friends, you can pick any person you know and quite quickly come up with a flaw, a quirk, something that they do or believe that you don't agree with. Truly, it is not hard at all...one of the easiest things you and I can do.

What I would like to focus on this morning, what I would like to challenge us all to do, is to take the harder road, to truly see the greatness, the goodness, the potential in others. I do get that some can make this very difficult with their attitudes - I promise you that someone, somewhere feels the exact same way about you and I! - however I also get that we will find what we are looking for. If we look for fault, failure, flaw we will find it just like we will find greatness, goodness and great potential if we will intentionally look for it. You know how it makes you feel good, warms your heart - even on the darkest of days - to know that you have a God who loves you unconditionally, that there is a plan, there is meaning and there is purpose for your life? I hope & pray that you and I will be mindful that this applies to everyone - regardless of the flaws, faults, brokenness, etc. that we easily, thoughtlessly see.

In doing some research about this - yes, I actually do some research for these Happy Friday's! - I came across an article on the PrayWay Global Prayer Community webpage (www.prayway.com) appropriately titled, "Seeing Others The Right Way" which was written on August 18, 2009. It offered these three nuggets of wisdom:

(1) Always be willing to give someone a second chance. After all, that's what God does for you. Now in extending grace you can get hurt and disappointed, but if you're going to be Christ-like it's a risk you must take.

(2) Don't measure everybody else by your standards and goals. The truth is, they may not be called to do what you're called to do. Or they may have been called to do it in a different way. Don't make your personal preferences a precondition for loving, accepting and working with someone.

(3) When you look for the best in others you usually find it. The Bible says,"...We have this treasure in earthen vessels..." (2 Cor 4:7).
I also wanted to offer up a couple of quotes to you this morning and let them speak to your heart however they will:

"We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." - Sam Keen

"Watch your thoughts, for they become your words.
Watch your words, for they become your actions.
Watch your actions, for they become your habits.
Watch your habits, for they become your character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny." - Unknown

Please join me Friends in accepting the challenge of traveling the harder road; let's look for the greatness, for the goodness, for the potential in others. I am quite certain we will find great joy, peace and the fulfillment of our life purposes on this road.

Please let me know if there is ever anything I can do for any of you or your families. I am truly willing to help you any way I can.

Have a great day, a wonderful weekend and please cherish your precious families!

Kev

Loving Like a Dog

Happy Friday Friends!

I hope and trust this post finds you all having a great day and an awesome week - personally and professionally fulfilling - coming to a close for you. Further, I truly hope that you will choose, truly determine in the depths of your heart, that today will be a great day.

I am so blessed. Every day I get to take my boys to school. The time we get to spend together on the drive (with where we live the drive is at least 45 minutes) is truly priceless and I cherish it. I learn so much about them, from them. We talk, we laugh, we play, sometimes we get grumpy at each other and sometimes we sing...the louder the radio is the better our singing sounds!

After dropping off my 1st grader my Sophomore and I take a maze of roads to get to his high school. By the way, this week we got a green light at a light that has only been green for us twice all year - literally. WooHoo! We were so excited which is either truly pathetic or a testament to appreciating all blessings, big and small...your choice. We choose to see it as a blessing and there will be excitement for us again today as we approach that light...we might just be blessed again!

Anyways, our path leads us past another elementary school. We have noticed that just a short distance past the cross walk - which is right in front of the school - we always see this sweet, chubby cheeked - transitioning from a baby into a boy...too soon to become a man! - little boy, looks to be a 1st grader, walking down the sidewalk. He is set to conquer the world, bold, brave, confident walking to the crosswalk all by himself...or so he thinks. I just love this age...his backpack goes from his shoulders to about half way down his legs and yet in his mind's eye he is full grown, ready for anything. About 100, perhaps 200 yards past him - the direction he is walking from - are 4 watchful eyes. Two belong to what appears to be his Mom. She looks like a Mom - youthful, wearing sweats and she has that look on her face of knowing that she has to let her baby go, slowly and yet seeming way too fast, and yet being close enough - though her boy doesn't realize it - that she can protect him, help him if there is danger.

And then there are the other two eyes. These eyes belong to a black dog - looks to be the mix between something like a Pit Bull and a Golden Retriever. The dog too looks very young, not fully grown. This dog sits at the feet of the Mom and stares completely unflinchingly - I can't find the words to adequately describe the focused attention this dog has on the boy - at the boy. The dog is studying every step the boy takes, not one muscle moving and seemingly ready to explode out of his crouched position should he detect the slightest need on the part of the boy. The totality of the full seen - a little boy beginning his journey into the world, a Mom slowly letting go and the love of a dog - is really special to see. My Sophomore and I have talked about this several times over the past week - how cool is it that a 15-year old notices this?!?! - and I have thought a lot about that dog. It is these thoughts that I would like to share with you on this beautiful Friday morning.

• What would life be like - our marriages, our families - if we gave the focused attention to our wives, to our husbands, to our children that the dog does to his boy? You see, when this dog intensely focuses on his boy there are other kids everywhere, there are other Mom's, there are cars slowly creeping by and yet the dog seems not to notice any of these things. His focus is unflinchingly on his boy - watching for his boys wants, needs, cares. What if this was the focus I had on my Beautiful Bride at all times? What if this was the focus I had on my three Tender Warriors at all times? Lovingly watching them, intently & intensely, watching for their wants, needs, cares...ready to explode from my position to their side in a second. Yes, the focused attention of this dog...that's what I desire - I am determining in my heart & mind - this morning. Is it pathetic that I am 44-years old and I am learning from a puppy?!?! Please don't answer!! :)
• Have you ever been happy or excited around a dog? I mean really excited - dancing around, woohooing, carrying on like a fool with pure joy pouring out of every pore in your body. And what did the dog do? It ran around, perhaps barked, wagging it's tail so furiously that it almost knocked itself over...doing the dog equivalent of carrying on like a fool. Why? Because you were happy. The dog didn't even know the reason for the joy however it knew that you were joyful and therefore, it was joyful with you. What if I lived like that? What if, simply because my Bride or my sons were happy, I came alongside them and joined them in their joy...always? No need to ask questions, try to impart some wisdom, try to share some insight, etc...you are happy, I am happy. Period.
• Have you ever been sad around a dog? Laying around, maybe crying, beat down by the world...we all experience these things by the way. And what did the dog do? It laid their with you, snuggled you - doing everything in its power to let you know that it loved you unconditionally, that it was there for you. The dog feels no need to try to tell you anything, to fix a problem, etc. It just shows unconditional love to you and stays right by your side every step you take. What would life by like, what would my Bride and my sons be like, if this was the unconditional love I showed to them all the time?

This Friday morning Friends I am finding great inspiration in dogs. I want to be a dog in the intense focus I place on my family, in sharing their joys and their sorrows. Being there for them always, loving them unconditionally. This is the declaration of my heart this morning, the dogged (corney I know but it is what came to mind!!!) determination I am taking into this day.

Please let me know if there is ever anything I can do for you or your families. I am always willing to help you any way I can.

Have a great day, a wonderful weekend and cherish - this is a choice! - your precious families.

Kev

Choices & Consequences

Happy Friday Friends!

I hope and trust this post finds you all having a great day! It is a very special day...baseball starts today! I love going to the ballpark and I can still recall going to games with my Grand Pa, sitting in the bleachers along the 3rd base line and listening to his stories for hours like it was yesterday.

On this beautiful morning - filled with hope, promise and fond memories - I wanted to share a some thoughts about a couple of things I have been thinking about and on for the last few weeks...choices & consequences. We all make them - sometimes thoughtlessly and sometimes with painful thought and consideration - and they in turn make us. My hope is not to tell you what you should choose this morning, this each and every one of us must do for ourselves. My sole hope is to raise our (including me!) awareness about the power, the freedom we have to make choices and how we own - whether we want to or not - the consequences of those choices.

When we are very young the thoughts, views, beliefs, values, etc. of those to whose care we are entrusted are imparted on us and they are the initial boundaries we use to determine the choices we make. Sometimes the choices we make are validated and supported by those who we value and cherish and sometimes they are not...this is one of the first glimpses of consequences that we get. Affirmation tended to assure that the choice, or the type of choice, was repeated while rejection or punishment tended to assure that the choice would not be repeated. Now, I could take a serious right turn here and talk about the awesome honor, privilege and responsibility you and I have if a precious little soul is entrusted to our care - o.k., that was my one jab! - however I want to stay on task with the bigger picture of choices & consequences.

It has struck me as I was typing this first part - told you we are all learning! - is how the first consequence(s) we learn or become concerned with is the love and affirmation of someone. Earlier I was going to give the example of a child not doing their homework. You will hear a lot of kids say, "I have to do my homework so I don't get in trouble." They are concerned that if they choose not to do their homework they will get in trouble...they are seeking love and affirmation. How often do you hear a kid say, "I have to do my homework so I can learn all I can" or "I have to do my homework so I can become the best I can become"? It's interesting - and I don't have the answers! - that there are the consequence(s) of how others will respond to the choice(s) we make and then there is the tangible consequence(s) of our choices as well. Some spend their entire lives seeking only the positive love and affirmation of others regardless of the tangible consequence(s) of their choices. Do you think your views, values and beliefs - the things that you are imparting on the precious souls, young and old, in your life - matter now? Hmmm...(Dang it! Off task again!)

The thing I am desperately trying to get to here Friends is that you and I have choices. Yes, the boundaries of those choices were initially established by those who were charged with caring for us however as we grow older, learn and establish our own views, values and beliefs, we lose that crutch (yes, I said crutch!). At some point - not exactly sure of the age or level of maturity - we can no longer blame the choices we make on someone or something else. The choices you and I make are our choices and we own the resulting consequences of whatever choices we make. I think it just hit me - I would propose that the age or the level of maturity that  the crutch is gone is the moment you and I are held accountable, we have to live with (whether we want to or not), the consequences of our choice(s).

Think about all of the choices you have made and that you have to make Friend. If you went to college, you chose what you would study? If you are married, you chose who you would marry? If you have friends, you chose who your friends would be? Each day you will choose your attitude, what type of effort you will put forth in all aspects of your life, how you will respond to each and every situation, etc. Heck, you chose whether or not to read this "Happy Friday" today! And - please get this part...it is critically important - each one of those choices has a consequence attached to it. Each one. It is utterly impossible to make a choice and not have a consequence. That doesn't mean that all of the consequences are bad or that there is some big, huge consequence associated with every choice. Good choices - by the way, the terms "good" and "bad" are subjective and therefore you will have to choose how determine them :) - lead to good consequences and bad choices lead to bad consequences. It really is that simple. The struggle for most of us comes in making bad choices and wanting good consequences. It just doesn't work that way.

So at the end of the day here are my two thoughts for you:
1. You make choices, the choices you make (or don't make which is also a choice) have consequences and it is the sum of these choices and consequences that make you. They determine who you are, where you are, what you do, who you do it with, etc. You make your choices and your choices make you.

2. If you don't like where you are with some part of your life, you don't like what the consequences have brought you, you can choose to change the course of your life - or some part of it. Your life is not over, it cannot be deemed a success or failure, until you have breathed your final breath Friend. The answer lies in what choice(s) you will make next. I am not saying it will be easy...I am saying that it is your choice. It is your life Friend, please choose wisely.

Please let me know if there is anything I can do for any of you or your precious families. I will always be willing to help you any way I can.

Have a great day, a wonderful weekend and please cherish those precious families.

Kev