I hope and trust this post finds you all having a great day and a great week coming to a close for you! What an incredibly blessed week it has been for the Haslam family! It started last Friday night with a dinner with a very special family, it continued over the weekend in getting to spend quality time with many, many great friends we had not seen in some time and yesterday my Mom celebrated her _0 (your welcome Mom!) birthday! A blessed week indeed!
Earlier this week I had the radio on as I was doing my morning reading. One of the hosts, sounds like a very sweet woman, was talking about her child care person not showing up for work...again...causing her and her husband to miss/be late for work. She and her co-hosts were talking about what she was going to do. She was saying she wanted to confront the woman, talk to her and her co-hosts were encouraging her to not even talk to her, just fire her. They then began this conversation about confrontation - should she/shouldn't she, everyone hates confrontation, etc.
Later that day I was speaking with a person who I am honored and privileged to mentor. This person, in discussing the challenges at work, stated that the supervisor knew what was going on in the work environment however the supervisor refused to confront the issues. The supervisor doesn't like confrontation so the entire work environment suffers.
Getting hit with the idea, the thought of confrontation twice in a short period of time got me thinking a lot about confrontation. What is confrontation? What is it about confrontation that makes us so uncomfortable? How much pain, hurt, dysfunction, ineffectiveness would be relieved if challenges, issues, problems would be confronted? Think about it - gossip is born in not wanting to confront (talking about someone behind their back instead of talking to them); physical fights come from not knowing how to appropriately address (confront) an issue; hundreds of millions, possibly billions, of dollars are lost because people aren't willing to confront issues within a workplace. Instead of addressing the issues, resolving them and moving forward, everyone continues to work around them, trying to act like they do not exist and then we conveniently term it "the culture of the organization." Interesting stuff if you really think about it...
So what is confrontation? Dictionary.com defines confrontation as:
confrontation
1. an act of confronting.
2. the state of being confronted.
3. a meeting of persons face to face.
4. an open conflict of opposing ideas, forces, etc.
5. a bringing together of ideas, themes, etc., for comparison.
There is nothing inherently bad in the definition. The act of confronting or being confronted? Talking about the problem, issue or challenge sounds like a good idea! Meeting of persons face to face? Oh my goodness, if we would only meet face to face and not hide behind emails, texts or worse, not even talk to the person who is actually involved, who could actually help resolve the problem, issue or challenge. An open conflict? You mean actually admit there is a problem? Actually talk directly to the people involved? My goodness! Bringing together of ideas? The horror!
Yes, I am making light of the definition of what I realize is a very real, often painful, problem. But why? My point is by definition, confrontation is not a bad thing but rather a very good, sorely needed thing. I think we could all - o.k., most of us - agree that if we lived out the definition of confrontation this world would be a much better place. So what is the problem? I think the problem comes in how we have seen this modeled - or not - in our lives and subsequently, the way we then choose to live this out ourselves - or not.
I want to give you two thoughts/ideas as I encourage all of us to confront problems, issues and challenges:
1. Be pure-hearted. What is the agenda? Is it to get our way or is it to fix the problem, issue or challenge? Are we confronting the person or are we confronting the problem, issue or challenge? Please realize that the person is not the enemy - the problem, issue or challenge is the enemy. It strikes me as ironic how, in attacking each other - making each other out to be the enemy - we are actually protecting the problem, the issue, the challenge. Are we willing to learn and grow? Do we have a teachable spirit?
2. What is the goal? Do we really want to fix the problem, issue or challenge or do we just want to get our way? Sounds crazy doesn't it...that we would possibly really want to live with a problem, issue or challenge. If you look at it though, that is really what many people choose. If I have a problem with someone and I go talk to someone else about that person - the problem, issue, challenge I am having with them - I am not confronting the problem, issue or challenge. Now, a person could seek the advice of another and that is the initial purpose in talking to someone else however, if I go back to that person a second time and don't address the problem, issue or challenge with the person that I have it with, I am gossiping...plain and simple. What is the goal?
While I don't have the time to discuss it, there is an interesting component to confrontation that exists within ourselves. Yes, we refuse to confront issues within our own hearts and spirits and then live with the conflict that exists within our own hearts, minds and spirits. Sad, interesting...I will let your own heart speak to you about that one.
In closing I want to share two quotes with you:
"In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present." - Tao Te Ching
"Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude." - William James
I have to give a quick "shout out" to the Taylor family. Thank you for your incredible, warm hospitality but mostly for your friendship. It is an honor and privilege to do life with you and you bless our lives so richly!
Please let me know if there is ever anything I can do for any of you.
Have a great day, a wonderful weekend and please cherish your precious families.
Kev
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