Difficult People or Behaviors?

Happy Friday Friends!

I hope and trust this post finds you having a great day and that an awesome week is coming to a close for you! Ahhh, football is back! Yep, sitting in the living room watching college football on TV and a high school football game on the internet last night, after watching Gehrig play his first high school football game earlier in the evening, still watching games with Payton though he is 1,300 miles away & breaking things down via text, staying up later than I should...life is good! :)

This week I went to a great training session at work titled "Dealing with Difficult People." On this beautiful Friday morning I wanted to share a few things from the training with you.

The instructor was awesome! The very first thing she said is "take out your hand out, cross out people and write behaviors." So the cover page of my power point handout went from reading "Dealing with Difficult People" to "Dealing with Difficult Behaviors." Looks, sounds and feels different doesn't it? You see Friends, our problem isn't with the people it is with the behavior(s) of the people. It is a perspective shift and it changes everything...if you allow it to. You could almost hear a gasp in the room when the instructor said it. It is so easy to focus on the person...so much harder to love & respect the person while dealing with the behavior. Instead of sitting there thinking about how much you dislike [put their name here], think about the behavior you dislike and think about what YOU can change/do to make the relationship better while working with/around the behavior(s) you don't like. If you remember/do nothing else with this Happy Friday I hope you will ponder this point.

She also gave us Six Principles from "No More Difficult People" by Dr. Dana Lightman. I would like to share these with you this morning.

1. Differences between people are natural. Difficulties between people are circumstantial.

2. The solution begins with me and not the other person.

3. My interpretation of a behavior determines my experience.

4. I am responsible for the way I feel. No one has to behave in a certain way for me to feel good or bad.

5. Interacting with people I perceive as difficult is my opportunity to grow as a person.

6. My power of influence is greatest when I am centered and neutral and objective.

How about all of the focus on you and not the person with the difficult behavior?! Yeah, the people in the class didn't like it much either. Of the 6 principles 5 of them really deal with you (me) and how we deal with the person whose behavior we find difficult. And the other one? Yeah, it points out that we are all different and therefore there are going to be behaviors that we don't like...implying that we shouldn't be all freaked out by the difficulties. Where is the fun in this?! How are we going to vilify the person, attack them - their character, their integrity, everything?! This is so exasperating!!! You mean to tell me that when I have a problem with someone's behavior it is ME who should take ownership of the problem, change the way I look at it, work to make it better, you want me to...to...change?!?!

Now, there are a couple of key things here:

1. Let's keep this perspective in perspective (huh?!). This was a training session about dealing with difficult behaviors in the workplace. As the instructor said, "You don't have to like them, you just have to work with them." She went on to say that in some extreme cases the only answer is to get away from the person completely. It is never o.k. for someone to mistreat, harass, intimidate, etc. you. Don't try to die a martyr here...it's just your job, not who you are. I just don't want to give the wrong impression that no matter what you have to stay in the situation, make it work, etc. If it is unhealthy or unsafe perhaps the only option is to get out of the situation.

2. Here is another little nugget for you; the way we treat others is more about the way we feel about ourselves than the way we feel about them. Think about that for a moment... If I feel good about myself, how do I tend to treat others? Good. If I feel bad about myself, how do I tend to treat others? Bad. Now think of that in terms of the negative, pessimistic, crass...whatever, behavior of the person you are having conflict with. You see Friends, they are showing us how they see the world. Maybe it isn't really about you and me at all. It is the lens with which they see the world that they are reflecting on/showing you. Again, changes your perspective doesn't it?

3. Please remember this: you can't fix anyone. The only one's you and I can fix, or should try to fix, is ourselves. If I have a problem with someone's behavior it is up to me to fix how I deal with their behavior and I shouldn't try to fix their behavior so it works best for me. Again, I respectfully ask you to think about that for a moment. We tend to do the complete opposite. I have a problem with your behavior so I want you to do this or that so your behavior will be good with me and we can get along. It sounds almost comical to type and read and yet that is exactly what we do most of the time. How about today we just worry about fixing ourselves - the way we react & respond to difficult behaviors, perhaps correcting behaviors we have that we know are difficult for others to deal with - and we stop trying to fix everyone else? I wonder how different our world will be if we just do that today!

The final thought I want to share with you is about conflict...another perspective shift (are you tired of me yet this morning?!?!). Conflict is not about winning, it's about problem solving. It doesn't have to be my way or your way...it needs to be the way that enables us to work together. Let's not try to win every conflict, let's solve problems.

Please don't hesitate to contact me if there is ever anything I can do for you or your family. I will always help you any way I can.

Have a great day, a wonderful weekend and please cherish your precious families.

Kev

Launching a Tender Warrior

Happy Friday Friends!

I hope and trust this post finds you having a great day on this beautiful Friday morning! It is an awesome time of year...school is getting ready to start/just started and for one more week every football team in America is undefeated...hope, opportunity & promise are everywhere!

Let me just tell you on the front end of this Happy Friday; I don't really know what the point is going to be. I know what is on my heart, what I want to share...just not share where it is gonna lead.

It has been 3 weeks since I wrote my last Happy Friday. This is the longest it has been since I started writing Happy Friday as a blog (it started as an email) 3 years ago. I am gonna unpack what has been going on in my world the past few weeks.

As summer rapidly drew to a close the time to launch our first Tender Warrior into the world was drawing near - it was time to take Payton to college. My Mom, Grammy, flew in from New Mexico to stay with Gehrig - he had his Freshman football practice starting - the week we took Payton to South Dakota. Our last few days at home before leaving were absolutely awesome. My Beautiful Bride, the boys and I went out to a special dinner the night before Grammy arrived; Grammy got here and we were all so excited to see her; Grammy took us all out to dinner and then we went and rode rides at the Kemah Boardwalk; Payton and I went out on Saturday and bought his shirt to wear under his shoulder pads - a tradition he and I have had since his freshman year in high school; we got the car all loaded - it all fit!; and then Sunday morning arrived and it was time to go. Excitement & anticipation were definitely in the air. It was tough watching Payton & Gehrig say goodbye to each other...a Dads heart. After many hugs and a few tears we were off.

The trip to South Dakota went great - as great as a 21+ hour drive stretched over 2 days can go! We talked, we laughed, we shared our hopes, dreams and yes, fears. It was such a...I can't come up with the right word...interesting feeling. There was the awareness that Kath, Landry & I would be driving 21+ hours back without Payton - for me this did not cause an overwhelming sadness though I was certainly mindful of the implications - and the pure joy, excitement that Payton was pursuing the dream he had cherished in his heart since he could walk & talk.

The two days in South Dakota went quickly. Day 1 was buying the last minute items, making sure all the paperwork was done, etc. Day 2 was move in day. He has a dorm room that overlooks the football stadium...he can look out the window and actually see from one end zone out to about the 40-yard line - Perfect! Again, everything went great. I shouldn't, I wasn't surprised...I had praying about and for this time for more than 6 months. God is so good and faithful.

Wednesday night was the time to say goodbye. After his first 3+ hours of meetings - so you wanna be a college football player, huh? - Payton called us when he was done. My Bride, my Littlest Warrior and I ran over to see him. Most of the talk was small talk, we all took a selfie with Payton and then it was time for our hugs. The peace I felt was surreal. I hugged my boy tight, told him how much I love him, how proud I am of him, how much I believe in him and I reminded him that I am always here for him. Everyone did real good...until we started walking away. I am in the middle, I am holding hands with my Bride on one side and Landry on the other. The tears started flowing. When we got in the car I pulled Landry into my lap, kissed his sweet little face and hugged his 9-year old little body. I then prayed for all of us...for strength, for courage, for peace. The peace came, the tears stopped. Good is so good and faithful.

Payton had it easy; all he had to do was go to football practice & meetings for two days...Kath, Landry & I had to drive 1,300+ miles! :) The trip again went great.

For me the only tough day was Saturday or Sunday...sorry, all the days were blurring together. I woke up missing Payton. Again, it wasn't an overwhelming, darkened spirit kind of missing but I was missing him. It was funny, I kept catching myself singing the chorus to the Rodney Atkins song "Watching You." It goes:

I've been watching you, dad ain't that cool?

I'm your buckaroo, I want to be like you

And eat all my food, and grow as tall as you are

Payton and I first heard that song when he was a little, little boy. We would sing the song loud and proud...it is our song. As he got older and it was no longer cool to sing at the top of our lungs, he would lean over, turn up the radio and look at me...we both knew. That song is our song, always will be...and I couldn't get it out of my head.

 

I just had to talk to Payton...I felt this strong conviction. I have made decisions, done things to enable Payton to pursue his goals & dreams - I believe this is my responsibility as a husband & Dad...to empower my Bride & Tender Warriors to pursue the greatness that is within them, to fulfill their life purposes - and I wanted to make sure this is in fact what he was doing. I texted Payton and asked him to give me a call when he had a moment. After telling him I love him, how much I missed him and telling him I have been singing "Watching You" - I wish you could have heard his voice as he said "really?"...in that one little word he communicated that he understood he was loved & valued by his Dad - I told him I needed to ask him a critically important question. I said, "you know that we have made some sacrifices to enable you to go to school. Is this what you really want to do?" Without hesitation he said "yes." I said, "you know there is nothing you can do to make me love you more or less, right?" Again, without hesitation, he said, "yes." I said, "O.K., if this is what you want I am completely good with it." He said, "alright." The peace and calm in my spirit was immediate. My boy is doing what he wants, pursuing his goals & dreams, living in the moment...what more could I want or hope for as his Dad?!?! It is funny; there have been two times in his life where he has looked me dead in the eye and said, "Dad, am I making a good decision?" Each time I felt the weight of that question and I understood fully the ramifications of how I answered it. Now it was me looking to him for affirmation...another step in releasing a man into the world.

 

So that is my story over the past few weeks. God is good, He has prepared our hearts, minds & spirits for this season of life as I have asked him to do many, many times over the past year. We are all figuring out how this works being 1,300 miles apart, dealing with time changes and busy schedules. I am looking forward to this part of Payton's life journey just as I have looked forward to, and truly loved, every other part. I have raised him to the very best of my ability with God's leadership, guidance & direction; he knows who he is and Who's he is; and he is fearlessly pursuing his goals & dreams. Really, what more could a Dad ask for or hope?

 

Please don't hesitate to contact me if there is ever anything I can do for you or your family. I will always be willing to help you any way I can.

 

Have a great day, a wonderful weekend and please cherish your precious families.

 

Kev

Can You Do All Things?

Happy Friday Friends!

I hope and trust this post finds you all having a great day on this fresh new - full of hope, promise & opportunity - day!

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Have you ever uttered those words Friends? I have said them several times, in different situations and circumstances, in my life. Yesterday I had a profound experience with those words.

Work out time for me is prayer time, my daily time to have a conversation with, to seek, God. As I was getting towards the back end of a long cardio session my lungs & legs were burning, my back ached...everything in me said to quit. Then I said it, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." I uttered it another time or two and then it was like God Himself said, "Yo Kev, you know this isn't exactly what this means."

I would like to share with you first this verse and the three that proceed it:

"I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at least you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength."

Philippians 4: 10 - 13

 

I am not, nor do I claim to be, a Bible scholar...I am simply a man choosing to pursue God, to have a relationship with Him, on a daily basis. Having some knowledge of the Bible, I knew that when the Apostle Paul wrote Philippians he was saying that he can be "content whatever the circumstances" and "content in any and every situation", that he was testifying that "I can do all this through Him who gives me strength." Paul wasn't on some piece of cardio equipment sweating away. He was talking about real life; the pain, the struggles of living life day to day and being content (content is defined as "in a state of peaceful happiness") regardless of the situation or circumstance through Him who gives Paul strength. The key isn't Paul, his strength & resolve, but rather it is the strength of Christ working in Paul that allows him to be content regardless of the situation or circumstance.

 

Thinking through this as I am still huffing & puffing away - no longer thinking about my burning legs & lungs, aching back...see, God just distracted me! :) - my Spirit now really got ahold of me. What started out as thoughts, turned into declarations:

 

• I can believe and accept that God loves me unconditionally...through Him who gives me strength.
• I can love unconditionally...through Him who gives me strength.
• I am forgiven and I can forgive...through Him who gives me strength.
• I can be the man, husband & father that I was created to become...through Him who gives me strength.
• I can pursue my goals & dreams...through Him who gives me strength.
• I can serve others...through Him who gives me strength.

 

There was then this funny transition in my declarations from "can"...

 

• I believe and accept that God loves me unconditionally...through Him who gives me strength.
• I love unconditionally...through Him who gives me strength.
• I forgive...through Him who gives me strength.
• I am the man, husband & father that I was created to become...through Him who gives me strength.
• I am pursing my goals & dreams...through Him who gives me strength.
• I serve others...through Him who gives me strength.

 

So to answer the question, can you do all things? Maybe you can however I know that I can't - not in my knowledge, wisdom, strength & courage. I also believe to the depths of my soul that I can be content in any situation or circumstance, that I can accept that God loves me unconditionally, that I can love unconditionally, that I can forgive, that I can be all that He created me to become...through God's knowledge, wisdom & strength imparted on me in the Holy Spirit.

 

I also feel I must touch on something real quick. Let's not judge and condemn others. When Paul wrote those words he wasn't thinking of Kev working out or anyone else striving to accomplish something - whatever their challenge or struggle at the moment - however is it really a bad thing that I, that they, look to God for strength? I understand it might not be "in the proper context" but is that really for you and I to decide? Isn't that really between them and God? I think that it is just super cool that they acknowledge that there is a God and they know that He can do things that they can't do.

 

Please don't hesitate to contact me if there is ever anything I can do for you. I will always be willing to help you any way I can.

 

Have a great day, a wonderful weekend and please cherish your precious family.

 

Kev