Difficult People or Behaviors?

Happy Friday Friends!

I hope and trust this post finds you having a great day and that an awesome week is coming to a close for you! Ahhh, football is back! Yep, sitting in the living room watching college football on TV and a high school football game on the internet last night, after watching Gehrig play his first high school football game earlier in the evening, still watching games with Payton though he is 1,300 miles away & breaking things down via text, staying up later than I should...life is good! :)

This week I went to a great training session at work titled "Dealing with Difficult People." On this beautiful Friday morning I wanted to share a few things from the training with you.

The instructor was awesome! The very first thing she said is "take out your hand out, cross out people and write behaviors." So the cover page of my power point handout went from reading "Dealing with Difficult People" to "Dealing with Difficult Behaviors." Looks, sounds and feels different doesn't it? You see Friends, our problem isn't with the people it is with the behavior(s) of the people. It is a perspective shift and it changes everything...if you allow it to. You could almost hear a gasp in the room when the instructor said it. It is so easy to focus on the person...so much harder to love & respect the person while dealing with the behavior. Instead of sitting there thinking about how much you dislike [put their name here], think about the behavior you dislike and think about what YOU can change/do to make the relationship better while working with/around the behavior(s) you don't like. If you remember/do nothing else with this Happy Friday I hope you will ponder this point.

She also gave us Six Principles from "No More Difficult People" by Dr. Dana Lightman. I would like to share these with you this morning.

1. Differences between people are natural. Difficulties between people are circumstantial.

2. The solution begins with me and not the other person.

3. My interpretation of a behavior determines my experience.

4. I am responsible for the way I feel. No one has to behave in a certain way for me to feel good or bad.

5. Interacting with people I perceive as difficult is my opportunity to grow as a person.

6. My power of influence is greatest when I am centered and neutral and objective.

How about all of the focus on you and not the person with the difficult behavior?! Yeah, the people in the class didn't like it much either. Of the 6 principles 5 of them really deal with you (me) and how we deal with the person whose behavior we find difficult. And the other one? Yeah, it points out that we are all different and therefore there are going to be behaviors that we don't like...implying that we shouldn't be all freaked out by the difficulties. Where is the fun in this?! How are we going to vilify the person, attack them - their character, their integrity, everything?! This is so exasperating!!! You mean to tell me that when I have a problem with someone's behavior it is ME who should take ownership of the problem, change the way I look at it, work to make it better, you want me to...to...change?!?!

Now, there are a couple of key things here:

1. Let's keep this perspective in perspective (huh?!). This was a training session about dealing with difficult behaviors in the workplace. As the instructor said, "You don't have to like them, you just have to work with them." She went on to say that in some extreme cases the only answer is to get away from the person completely. It is never o.k. for someone to mistreat, harass, intimidate, etc. you. Don't try to die a martyr here...it's just your job, not who you are. I just don't want to give the wrong impression that no matter what you have to stay in the situation, make it work, etc. If it is unhealthy or unsafe perhaps the only option is to get out of the situation.

2. Here is another little nugget for you; the way we treat others is more about the way we feel about ourselves than the way we feel about them. Think about that for a moment... If I feel good about myself, how do I tend to treat others? Good. If I feel bad about myself, how do I tend to treat others? Bad. Now think of that in terms of the negative, pessimistic, crass...whatever, behavior of the person you are having conflict with. You see Friends, they are showing us how they see the world. Maybe it isn't really about you and me at all. It is the lens with which they see the world that they are reflecting on/showing you. Again, changes your perspective doesn't it?

3. Please remember this: you can't fix anyone. The only one's you and I can fix, or should try to fix, is ourselves. If I have a problem with someone's behavior it is up to me to fix how I deal with their behavior and I shouldn't try to fix their behavior so it works best for me. Again, I respectfully ask you to think about that for a moment. We tend to do the complete opposite. I have a problem with your behavior so I want you to do this or that so your behavior will be good with me and we can get along. It sounds almost comical to type and read and yet that is exactly what we do most of the time. How about today we just worry about fixing ourselves - the way we react & respond to difficult behaviors, perhaps correcting behaviors we have that we know are difficult for others to deal with - and we stop trying to fix everyone else? I wonder how different our world will be if we just do that today!

The final thought I want to share with you is about conflict...another perspective shift (are you tired of me yet this morning?!?!). Conflict is not about winning, it's about problem solving. It doesn't have to be my way or your way...it needs to be the way that enables us to work together. Let's not try to win every conflict, let's solve problems.

Please don't hesitate to contact me if there is ever anything I can do for you or your family. I will always help you any way I can.

Have a great day, a wonderful weekend and please cherish your precious families.

Kev