I hope & trust this post finds you having a great day on this beautiful Friday!
I live in a house with 3 boys between the ages of 10 and 19-years old. There is great, great joy in my life, what each of these Tender Warriors brings to me. I am truly blessed...I fully recognize and appreciate this fact.
It also brings along with it a near constant barrage of threats, challenges, trying to establish the pecking order, competitions, etc. Sometimes I feel like I should be issued a referee shirt & whistle as soon as I walk in the door! Stop laughing, I am serious! :)
The other morning as my Beautiful Bride and I were driving to workout this whole idea was weighing heavy on my heart. Not just our boys with their fighting & bickering but with what we witness in the workplace & in society in general. I explained all this to Kath and I said, "OK, so let's say we convince someone that they are dumb, stupid, horrible at [fill in the blank], a certain failure, etc. Then what? What do we do then? What is our next step?" This is what I want to talk about briefly this morning...the "and then what?"
So let's say you and I have been "successful" - using this term extremely loosely here! - and convinced the other person that they are all the bad things I have said they are in my mind, how I have treated them and now, I have finally convinced 'em. They now truly believe that they are dumb, stupid and/or horrible at [whatever it is]...you and I have finally "won."
- So now, due to my "great work" and perseverance, there is another broken soul, broken spirit in this world. There is perhaps someone who will now give up on their hopes, goals & dreams because I have convinced them that they are really worthless and that their life has no meaning. Had I considered this cost, and all their consequences, as I so fully dug my heals in the sand to prove my point?
- And let's be explicitly clear on this point; tearing someone else down, convincing them of their faults, failures, inadequacies will never, ever, ever build us up! Never! Rendering another person worthless does not make you or I more worthy. It just means that we now have another broken spirit who will have to fight fears and failures, just like you and me, as they strive to pursue their hopes, goals & dreams.
I think there is a two-way go here:
1. If we are trying to tear someone else down, convince them of these things, we don't really care about the "and then what?" We are simply trying to win the fight/argument. Winning the fight or argument however doesn't make us a winner and it certainly doesn't mean we are right. I really think it is a heart issue. If I genuinely care about the other person and want to make the situation/relationship better, I will focus on the issues - you know, those faults & failures that we ALL have. I will work with them, valuing them as person, to resolve the issues to improve the situation/relationship without attacking them as a person. If I don't value or care about them as a person...well, all I want to do is "win." It doesn't matter that they have people that love them, that count on them. It doesn't matter that, just like you and me, their life has value, meaning & purpose. It does not matter that their lives will influence every other life that they come into contact with just as ours do. No, none of this matters. The goal is simply to convince them that I am right, that they are the horrible thing I am trying desperately to convince them that they are and then...there is no and then.
2. Please guard your precious spirit and don't forget the first point. When anyone comes at us with a critical point, we would be wise to listen to what they are telling us. We are wise as well to give it some thought. Is the point valid? Does it make sense? Is there in fact something that we are doing wrong that we can and should correct? It is important here Friends that we are honest with ourselves, that we are pure-hearted in assessing the feedback we have received. If the point is valid you & I haven't suddenly become failures...we simply have the opportunity to learn, grown and become better. If however the feedback is not valid, we need to dismiss it and not let it take root in our hearts. The same litmus test I proposed in the first point applies here; where is the persons heart? Are they valuing you as a person and trying to make the situation/relationship better? Are they attacking you personally, jumping wildly from one situation to another, simply trying to prove their point(s)? Sadly there are people, too many...1 is too many, who care nothing about you or me, who simply want to hurt and tear others down. Remember, "hurting people hurt people." These people, while we will always show them love & respect, do not belong in our lives.
I want to wrap this up with several thoughts/points:
1. We all have faults, failures, challenges, etc. We also all have strengths, successes, things we are really good at, etc.
2. A mistake, problem or challenge does not make any of us a failure.
3. Everyone's life has value, meaning & purpose...regardless of whether they, we, are actually pursuing it or not.
4. Tearing someone else down never builds us up. The thrill of winning the argument/fight will soon fade...and then what?
5. Before giving anyone feedback, let us first measure our own hearts first. Where are they at? Are we trying to improve the situation/relationship or are we simply trying to tear the other person down?
6. Answer this question; what are you fighting for? If you achieve "victory," what does that look like?
7. Let's fight FOR people, FOR relationships.
8. Not everyone should be in your life. We should not listen to the words everyone speaks into our lives. I am not saying they are bad people, I am simply saying they are bad for you. Again, it is a heart thing; where is their heart.?Do they genuinely care about you? Are they genuinely trying to make the situation/relationship better? If the answer is yes, they belong in your life. If the answer is no, they do not belong in your life.
9. Just because we don't like what someone has to say doesn't mean they are wrong. Again, where is their heart? Some of the people who absolutely, genuinely love you the most will tell you the things you don't want to hear...at least we hope so!
10. There is great wisdom in Romans 12:18 (NIV); "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." It's a heart issue - you can choose to love, value & care. It's also an acknowledgement that you and I can only control our own hearts - as far as it depends on you.
I also want to let you all know that I have written a book, "Seven Steps in Determining Your Influence," which I am giving away. If you would like me to email you a manuscript of the book please email me at kevin@whatwillyourinfluencebe.com and I will send you a copy. The only thing I ask from you is that you use whatever useful information you can glean from the book to help other people. You are more than welcome to share it and give it away.
Please don't hesitate to contact me if there is ever anything I can do for you or your family. I will always be willing to help you any way I can.
Have a great day, a wonderful weekend and please cherish your precious families.
Kev
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