I hope & trust this post finds you all having a great day on this beautiful Friday evening on the Texas Gulf Coast! :)
I have a question for all of us; is it safe for our family & friends to be who they really are with us? Without rebuke? Ridicule? Being told they are wrong, dumb, stupid, worthless, [any other demeaning adjective you want to add here]? Is it safe?
Isn't that what we all really want...to be who we are as we grow to who we were created to be? Do you like having all of your faults, failures, mistakes, etc. pointed out to you all the time? Do you like constantly being told by others how you should be living your life? What you should be doing? Who you should be with, or without? If we are truly honest the answer to all these questions is "no."
At this point, all the perfect people can stop reading. O.K., great! We lost nobody! Again, if we are truly honest, there is not one of us breathing - who has ever breathed a breath - that doesn't have faults, who hasn't made mistakes...except one and we nailed Him to a tree.
I was having a conversation with some folks who are very dear to me a couple of days ago and I was using the word "love." The beautiful woman kept saying, "I do love them." And there is absolutely no doubt she does. I then felt convicted in my spirit to say this; "I know you love them however are they safe to just be who they really are around you?" There was a moment of deep silence that answered the question. This loving woman then said, "But I don't agree..." And I said, "It's not about you." THIS, I believe, is the key point; you & I are not called to judge others or to tell them how they should live their lives...we are simply called to love them for who they are, where they are. This does not mean we agree with everything they say & do, that we think everything they do is the right thing, that we would make the choices they make, etc. Again, those things are not about us...it is their life & they are free to choose how they live it just as you & I are. What is 100% about you & I is making it safe to be who they are and to feel loved, valued, appreciated & accepted. And for those who want to get all self-righteous I simply want to encourage you to read the Bible...really read it, not searching for scriptures that are taken out of context to try to prove your point. When you do you will find that Jesus constantly hung out with the thieves, the prostitutes, the drunks, the broken in all forms and He fought tirelessly against the ones with all the answers, who went around telling everyone how they should live their lives...let that sink in for a moment Friends.
At this point I feel I must clearly state I am not talking about enabling. To love an alcoholic is to make it safe to be who he/she is, to come alongside them, to hug them, to talk to them, to truly value & appreciate them as a person, to try to make sure they have food, clothing & shelter...this would follow our Biblical example. To go buy them alcohol would be enabling. What I am advocating for us to make it safe, not to enable.
Another point I think is critically important to make is this also doesn't mean that you don't live your truth. Just as we want our family & friends to be safe being who they are, you & I are safe to be who we are as well. I don't really know where or when we began to think that we have to agree on everything, to live these pretend perfect lives in order to value, appreciate, care about and love one another. I have tons of friends, genuine friends who I truly love & care deeply about, who have vastly different values, beliefs, lifestyles, etc. than I do. We have healthy conversations and we genuinely love one another. There is no desire on either half to critique, demean or tell someone else how they should be living their life. There is just a healthy respect for one another and deep love & gratitude.
Earlier this week I had lunch with a great man I am so very blessed that God brought into my life. He was telling me about one of his children who has completely walked away from their faith. Yell? Scream? Tell this precious child how wrong the choices & decisions are that are being made? No, my friends reaction, with much leading & guiding of the Holy Spirit, was vastly different. You know what he did?!?! He told this precious one that there is nothing the child could do or say to make him love the child less and he wanted to make sure the child knew that there would always be a place at the table in the family home, no matter what the child did/does. And the child, upon hearing this, immediately turned the other direction and ran back to the faith, right? No. Upon hearing the Dad say this, the child respond with, "I am going to test you in that." Mad? Upset? No, this incredible man responded calmly with, "Go for it." Wow!!! The faith!!! This Friends is a perfect picture - a real life, unfolding at this minute example - of making it safe for a child who is on a different path right now to be who he/she is while having the unconditional love of our Heavenly Father walked out by the child's earthly father. How different would this world be if all of our family members and friends knew that there is nothing they could say or do to make us love them less, and that there would always be a seat for them at our tables?!?! Blows my mind to even consider...
I hope you, like I, are really considering this question; is it safe? Since the conversation where this question first came up to the lunch with my friend I have been thinking a lot about it. Do my family members know that they are free to be who they are and that I will love, respect, value & appreciate them? And that they are always welcome to a seat at the table in my home? Do my friends? Am I really walking out what Jesus demonstrated? Here are a few quotes that I have come across in these last few days that I want to share with all of you.
"Truth and love are the two necessary ingredients for any relationship with integrity. Love - because all positive relationships begin with friendship, appreciation, respect. And truth - because no relationship of trust can long grow from dishonesty, deceit, betrayal; it springs up from the solid stuff of integrity...These are the two arms of genuine relationship: Confrontation with truth. Affirmation with love.
I grow most rapidly when a brother supports me with the arm of loving respect, then confronts me with the arm of clear honesty. Confronting and caring bring growth. Confrontation plus acceptance equals growth. This is how God relates to us." - David Augsburger
"Accept the children the way we accept trees - with gratitude, because they are a blessing - but do not have expectations or desires. You don't expect trees to change, you love them as they are." - Isabel Allende
"The only way love can last a lifetime is if it's unconditional. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love." - Stephen Kendrick
"Indeed, a quick glance around this broken world makes it painfully obvious that we don't need more arguments on behalf of God; we need more people who live as if they are in covenant with Unconditional Love, which is our best definition of God." - Robin R. Meyers
"Unconditional love is the greatest gift we can ever give." - Amy Leigh Mercree
Please don't hesitate to contact me if there is ever anything I can do for you or your families. I will always help you any way I can. You can reach me at kevin@whatwillyourinfluencebe.com.
Have a great day, a wonderful week and please cherish your precious families.
Kev
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