The Lucky Ones

Happy Friday Friends!

I hope & trust this post finds you all having a great day on this glorious Sunday afternoon from my Sweet Home Alabama!

This week I want to put some tools in the toolbox of your marriage/relationship. I want to do this by sharing an excerpt from the book I am currently reading titled, Happily: 8 Commitments of Couples Who Laugh, Love & Last by Kevin A. Thompson. What I am sharing comes from the introduction. 

"We use lucky to describe a successful marriage because we often can't see the skills and abilities required to make a marriage work. We are a people focused on facades. We assume the outside of something fully defines the inside. We value the appearance of health more than health itself. When we see happy couples, we compare our marriage to theirs. We wrongly conclude they are happy because they have more money or a nicer home or a better-looking mate or a spouse who doesn't nag as much. We write simple conclusions to our complex problems and assume we are unhappy because we are unlucky. We think there isn't much we can do about it, so we long for something different while changing none of our own actions.

What if the lucky aren't so lucky? What if a successful marriage isn't about the forces of fate but the force of choice? What if we control far more of our relationship than we realize?

A good marriage looks like luck because there are few things on the outside that predict success in marriage. But inside a successful relationship, there are some hidden characteristics that lead to marital satisfaction. These are the secrets of the lucky ones:

1. They have right expectations of themselves and others. They don't overestimate their own ability. They know they are flawed and needy. They understand their partner is the same. In the midst of their mutual brokenness, they find meaning and value.

2. They confront the pain. They don't shy away from it or deny it. Instead, they grieve over the fact that they can't be everything they want to be. They name their imperfection and process through it.

3. They operate between apathy and aggression. They find the middle ground, avoiding passivity, which allows issues to grow, and evading aggression, which can blow something out of proportion. They are strong, vulnerable, realistic but not pessimistic.

4. They seek something higher than themselves. While their marriage brings a great deal of personal satisfaction, that isn't their ultimate goal. They pursue something bigger. This pursuit draws them out of themselves and into a greater purpose. It minimizes conflicts and accentuates commonalities.

5. They overflow with compassion. Empathy, understanding, and compassion are reciprocated between the two. They nourish their love for one another so that it impacts every aspect of their daily lives. They have a genuine warmth for each other and don't allow their feelings to grow cold.

6. They create a wholeness as individuals and as a couple. They know who they are. They do not feel divided or torn by individual desires or what is best for them together. Truth is allowed to freely flow without being used to intentionally injure the other. They don't live in perfection, but they so consistently handle their mistakes properly that nothing is allowed to fester. Their integrity drives out any possible hypocrisy.

7. They are continually in the process of making peace. They understand their differences and strive to be united in their diversity. They welcome problems as an opportunity to learn more about each other and to grow closer together. They don't have more or less conflict than others, but they handle it in a more productive way.

8. They learn to take a punch. They understand their commitment to one another will not be understood by others, by a culture that easily attacks commitment. They know marriage can be difficult, but they believe the struggle is worth it. They use both external and internal challenges as a way to strengthen their bond.

These practices aren't readily seen. It's rarely possible to look at a couple and know if they truly have compassion for each other or if they are humble in their understanding of themselves and marriage. But these unseen qualities define a relationship - and create the kind of marriages we all want.

The map toward a better marriage is often unseen, but even if it's found, it's often ignored. The connected dots don't match our expectation of what would make marriage better. It's a contrarian's map. Not only are these eight principles not obvious, but they are quickly rejected by the masses when clearly stated. A few of the ideas aren't just ignored; they are fought against."

I would highly recommend Happily to you. And, whether it is Kevin's book or something all together different, I want to strongly encourage you to be intentional about learning, growing and becoming all that you are capable of becoming within your marriage/relationship. One day is not enough. Most of the time is not enough. We must be intentional each and every day if we are to become all that we are created to become.

Please don't hesitate to contact me if there is ever anything I can do for you or your family. I will always help you any way I can. You can reach me at kevin@whatwillyourinfluencebe.com.

Have a great evening, a wonderful week and please, cherish your precious families!

Kev