Friday, February 6, 2015

The Tough Stuff

Happy Friday Friends!

I hope & trust this post finds you all having a great day on this beautiful Friday morning!

This morning I come to you with a full heart. It is such an honor, responsibility & privilege to be a husband & Dad, to understand and tirelessly pursue my life purpose & passion. It was in fulfilling my duty as a Dad that this weeks Happy Friday was born.

My oldest son Payton is 18-years old, soon to be 19. This means we have traversed the landscape from baby to toddler to adolescent to young man to...man. Yes, he has become a man. A couple of things here real quick:

1. To all of you with kids who are not yet men or women - yes, it really does go fast. I know people tell you this all the time however nothing can prepare you for how quickly the time really goes. I once heard it said that when we are raising children the hours are long and the days are short. This is so true. My simple advice on this one is, to the very best of your ability, live in and enjoy each and every moment. Oh I get it, trust me. There are days that are tough with all the challenges & struggles. From experience I will tell, they are fleeting. Before you know it you can stay at work a little longer if you want because there is no game to run to, no parent-teacher conference to attend. Pretty soon you can sleep in, go golf or do whatever you want to do because they now have friends they want to be with or they want to sleep in. We will never get the moments back so we would be very, very wise to live in the moment.

2. I have had several talks with friends who have kids Payton's age who are trying to navigate the leadership, guidance & protection part as we slowly release them to be their own men & women. So here is my two cents on this whole thing. I do believe that God will hold us, as fathers in particular, to how we have lead, guided & protected our families. They, our families, have been given to us as a gift. The ultimate example of the leadership we are to provide, I believe, is the servant leadership Jesus demonstrated to/for us. I believe I have the honor, privilege & responsibility to serve my wife & sons. It is not their responsibility to serve me but mine to serve them. I once heard it described as the relationship of the sun to the earth. The sun pours itself out continually to benefit the earth, expecting nothing in return. Speaking of our kids in particular, we lead, guide & protect. We teach them the things we believe, the values we hold true. We establish rules & parameters...to keep them safe, to help them grow. There then comes a time - as they progress on that great continuum from infant to adult - where we have to let them go and allow them to make their own decisions. You see, we will be held accountable for what we have or have not taught them however we are not held accountable for what they choose to accept & do. This, I think, is the great challenge, the link in the chain that causes so much hurt, heartache, frustration, etc. If God is a God of free will who in the heck do I or you think we are that we can/should make our kids do what we want when they become adults. I think at the point my baby boy becomes a man I am stepping outside God's covering & protection if I make/or try to make his decisions for him. I will certainly give him advice - when he asks - and I will do anything I can to help him however it is now he that will be responsible to God for the things he says & does. Just something for you to think about.

So Payton has made a couple of decisions, done some things, that I wouldn't have chosen for him however he chose them for himself. I thought long and hard about how to respond to these things. I prayed. My spirit was convicted that I needed to speak with him however I wanted to make sure the message wasn't about me, what I thought, what I wanted. It was my desire to get out of the way and allow God to use this time as He wanted. I prayed. While I was on my business trip to Seattle last week I was working out one morning and like walking into a pitch black room and flipping on the light, the message was clear to me. We were busy doing family stuff all day Saturday and we did not have time to talk. On Sunday I tried to talk with Payton however he was busy doing different things. I didn't want to force it. We watched the Super Bowl - Go Pats! - and then went to bed. Monday I waited until everyone went to bed and then I asked Payton if I could talk to him.

In honoring my son I am not going to give you the details - I don't think they really matter as to the point anyways. Here was my talk:
  • I know these things that have happened.
  • In one case, I was really disappointed. As I prayed about what had happened I realized that every day of your life I have intentionally committed you to God. While everything had not worked out as I wanted, would have hoped, it is quite clear that God was in fact leading your life. I praise God and I am proud of you son.
  • In the other case, I told him I understand. I am not here to judge you. We are all trying to figure out life, I love you with all of my heart and as long as God allows me to walk this earth I will help you any way I can.
  • And then probably the most important point of all, judging by how my heart felt & by the look on Payton's face, I told him I loved him unconditionally, that I want to have a relationship with him and that I will fight for us - our relationship - until the day I die.
As I have reflected on that talk there are two things that have really stood out to me that I want to share with you:
1. I want to encourage you to have the tough talks with your spouses, sons/daughters, friends, co-workers...anyone you genuinely care about and want to have a meaningful relationship with.  It is in the tough times that growth occurs. We, as humans, are funny. We do everything in our power to make things as easy as possible however this is not where growth occurs. I can lift weights and do some super easy weight so it doesn't hurt or isn't uncomfortable however I will not get stronger this way. It is the same way with our relationships...and every aspect of life for that matter. The key in having the tough talks though is the focus. My sole focus during my conversation with Payton was our relationship. It wasn't about being right - in fact I told him several times I don't have all the answers - or shaming him - I told him I am not here to judge him and I also told him not to hold himself to my standards...they may be too low, too high & I told him he doesn't want to do all the really, really stupid stuff I did to get to the point I am at today. No, the focus was on my heart & his heart and making sure they were aligned.

2. If there is someone in your life that you genuinely care about and want to have a meaningful relationship with I want to encourage you to tell them that you love them unconditionally, that you are committed to them for a lifetime and that you will never stop fighting for your relationship with them. If you truly mean it, neither you nor the person will ever forget that moment. It doesn't mean there won't be struggles, challenges & messes. It simply declares your intentions...it is one heart reaching out to another.

Please don't hesitate to contact me if there is ever anything I can do for your or your family. I will always help you any way I can.

Have a great day, a wonderful weekend & please cherish your precious families.

Kev

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