Dad

 Happy Friday, Friends: 

I hope and trust this post finds you all having a great day as a glorious new day begins to dawn in my Sweet Home Alabama! 😊 

This Sunday, June 18^th, is Father’s Day. While it seems most of us pour out our hearts expressing our love and celebrating our moms on Mother’s Day, Father’s Day tends to get a far different reaction. To be sure, those blessed with a present, attentive Dad seem to know how genuinely blessed they are and how different their life is from so many others, and they express it. For many, talking about their dad, if they know him, does not bring expressions of love or celebration. No, they often bring forth feelings of bitterness, resentment, or perhaps, anger.

Today I want to talk to two different groups of people. First, I want to talk to those whose dad was not what they wanted or expected him to be. I then want to take a few minutes to talk to all dads out there.

I chose to say “not what they wanted or expected him to be” as opposed to “bad dad” or some other negative description. I got there the hard way but, Praise the Lord, I got there.

My dad was not what I wanted or expected him to be. He was physically and emotionally abusive. Nothing, absolutely nothing, I ever did was good enough. As hard as I would try at anything, I would always hear “but.” Never, “Good job, buddy” it was always, “You had a pretty good game, but…” And yes, I did hear, “I love you” however I only remember those words being spoken to me after I had been spanked over and over again with a belt. Not what I wanted or expected him to be…

Like, I assume, many boys I wanted to be with my dad. I remember more times than I can count waking him up on a Saturday morning asking him to play catch with me. I don’t ever remember him saying yes. When my parents got divorced, we had a season of life where we would go to Arizona State football games together. It was nice. We would spend the afternoon or evening together though we never talked about anything more than sports. This all changed when he got a girlfriend, the woman who would become his wife. All of the sudden we didn’t talk anymore, and he didn’t return my calls. Not what I wanted or expected him to be…

My dad and I went 7 years without talking to one another. My Beautiful Bride and my mom used to prod me to call him. I would assure them that I wasn’t mad nor was I harboring any resentment towards him…I truly just didn’t feel like talking to him. After more than 20 years of trying to connect, the desire to reach out to him was gone. I assured them both that if I ever felt convicted to call him I would. Then, one morning when Kath and I were in Arizona visiting family, I felt convicted to call him, so I did. I invited him to breakfast, and we went. I don’t remember any part of our conversation other than when I first saw him that morning. He rolled up in a Cadillac. I said, “Nice car, when did you get it?” He said, “About 4 years ago.” A little awkward! Not what I wanted or expected him to be…

Over the next few years, I would call him occasionally but not consistently. I don’t remember him calling me. My family and I moved back to Arizona. I coached in a game less than 5 miles from his home…he wasn’t there. I wondered how come it was I who had reached out first after 7 years and not him. I wondered how come he did not show up at a game that would take him less than 10 minutes to drive to. I wondered how come he would not drive 3 hours to see his grandsons. Not what I wanted or expected him to be…

After living away from Arizona for a couple of years, my little family and I returned to Arizona when I went to work at Arizona State. Shortly after we arrived my dad was hospitalized and put on a ventilator. I was growing as a man and in my faith. The Lord was searching my heart and He was challenging me to grow. I prayed an earnest prayer; if He would allow my dad to live, I would be intentional about spending time with him. “Miraculously,” he got better. I kept my word to God; every Thursday morning I would go visit my dad and have coffee with him. In the summer I would mow his lawn as he sat there in a lawn chair watching me, not saying a word. At Christmas I would put lights on his house, and in the tree in his yard…my stepmom really liked that. Again, few words were spoken. Kathy would ask me, “How can you do all that work for him? He doesn’t talk to you or even act appreciative.” I told her, “It is not about him; it is about me and what I feel the Lord is calling me to do.” Not what I wanted or expected him to be…

A couple of years later, my dad was put into hospice care. As Kathy and I drove to the hospital that night, I remember talking to God. I was searching, trying desperately to understand what this all meant, what our relationship had meant, etc. And as clear as day I can remember realizing that it was because of who he was that I become who I am. My heart had a much deeper understanding and appreciation in that moment. While it was not what I wanted or expected him to be, by obeying where the Lord was leading me, and striving to serve him as God led me to do, I was there the moment my dad took his last breath and, for the only time in my life, I saw my dad at complete peace.

To those of you whose dad is not what you wanted or expected him to be, I want to share a few thoughts with you:

First, it was when I stopped wanting and expecting him to be different, when I simply accepted him for who he was, that I found peace. I spent years wanting, hoping, and praying that he would be different, that he would be the dad I envisioned in my mind. The problem with this is we can’t control another person, only ourselves. While I could not change him or what he said and did, I could choose how I would look at it and receive it. For me, this made all the difference in the world.

Second, I truly believe my dad did the best he could. Like me, he had his own issues, problems, and challenges. No, he is not the dad I wanted or expected, nor the dad that I want to be, however I do believe he did the best he knew how to do. Perhaps, though in your mind a complete failure, your dad is doing the best he can too.

Finally, and it is critically important that you hear this part, I forgave my dad. Many years ago, I placed that burden at Jesus’ feet, and I decided I would no longer live with bitterness, anger, resentment, etc. No, he never asked me to forgive him, and I have no indication that he ever felt remorse or thought anything he did was wrong. In fact, knowing my dad, I am pretty sure he was convinced in his mind that he was the one who had been offended. Truly, that was not the point. The point was what I felt in my heart. I am here to testify to the truth found in the quote by Lewis B. Smedes; “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” While I can also testify that it will not be easy, perhaps you have a long road yet to walk, I want you to know that you can walk in freedom. At any moment you can choose to lay down the burdens of bitterness, anger, resentment, etc. No, it will not change the past and it certainly will not make it right or o.k. It will, however, set you free. Your dads faults, failures, and inadequacies are not your burden to carry. Perhaps on this Father’s Day you will feel convicted to give yourself the gift of forgiveness.

I also want to take a few minutes to talk to all dads. Whether you consider yourself to be a good dad or a bad dad, whether your kids think you are an all-star or if they would say you are not what they wanted or expected you to be, I have a few things I want to say to you….

First, I believe it truly is an honor and privilege to be a dad. A precious soul is counting on you to love, lead, guide, and protect them. Think about that for a moment, please. They are counting on you…

Second, you matter more than you could ever imagine. While society may want to cancel or minimize your importance in the lives of your children, the truth of the matter is you are critically important. There are countless statistics that will show how important you are and the painfully critical consequences if you fail to show up and be a dad.

Third, you don’t have to be perfect…none of us are! Perhaps you had a bad day yesterday – I have had way more than my fair share of those! Today is a new day! Today you can choose to do things differently! Today you can choose to be fully present! Today you can choose to show up for your kid(s) – whether they are having a great day or a failing moment, what they want and need more than anything else is for you to be there with them!

You know, we so try to rate and compare…everything! On Sunday we will read testimonials espousing why this dad or that dad is “The Best Dad Ever” or the “#1 Dad.” What if you and I did not worry about being the best or comparing ourselves to others but rather we simply strive to be the best dads for our kids that we can be? What if we really listened to them when they shared their hopes, dreams, cares, and concerns? What if we put down our cell phones or turned off the ball game and engaged them in a conversation or did whatever they want to do? What if we simply loved them for who they are, where they are, and we kept the speeches about what they should be and where they should go to ourselves? How different would the world our kids grow up in be if we really showed up every day and were simply the best dads we could be on that day?

And my final plea is simply this; please don’t give up or run away! Please, man up! Perhaps the first thing you need to do is apologize…do it! Perhaps you need to show up…do it! Perhaps you need to change some of the things you are doing…do it! Perhaps you need to change some of the things you are not doing…do it! I promise you; the answer will not be found in running or quitting! I acknowledge that the road may be long and hard…walk it! A precious soul is waiting and counting on you! You will not find joy or peace in being less than what you are capable of being! Be the dad that you wish you had! Be the dad your child needs! Be the dad you are capable of becoming!

Please don’t hesitate to contact me if there is ever anything I can do for you. I will always help you any way I can. You can reach me at kevin@whatwillyourinfluencebe.com.

Have a great day, a wonderful weekend, please cherish your precious families, please stay well, and Happy Father’s Day!

Kev